@ Cineworld, Edinburgh, Fri 26 Jun & Sat 27 Jun 2015
Talulah Riley / UK / 2015 / 93 min
The well of “feel good” British comedy has run increasingly dry since the 1990s. Scottish Mussel is finally dredging the bottom and coming up empty. Every cliché is employed in an attempt to join that familiar cinematic canon, but while actor Paul Brannigan in a gang of cheeky weegies might call to mind Ken Loach’s exemplary Angel’s Share, Talulah Riley’s directorial debut lacks that film’s subtlety, believability and wit.
Riley herself plays conservationist Beth, who inexplicably runs a highland wildlife centre with the main purpose of protecting the local mussel population. Her equally unlikely companions in the endeavour are strange-but-handsome American Ethan (Morgan Watkins) and vintage-styled Fiona (Marianna Palka). Remarkably, the trustafarian trio keep the conservation show on the road without a grey-haired, goretex-jacketed do-gooder in sight. Three hard-up Govan lads get wind they can make a buck flogging Scottish pearls, and thus two worlds collide with inevitable consequences.
Clumsy, stereotypical early exchanges are forgiven. ‘You’re Scottish. You’re supposed to be depressed,’ says Ritchie (Martin Compston), having already summarily dismissed his Govan home. But once we reach Beth’s gratuitous bikini scene (your job is fishing in rivers in Scotland – why, God, why not a wetsuit?) all hope is lost. Tacky in the extreme with anyone else at the helm, but when Riley has written and directed herself, what possessed her? Narcissism? Exhibitionism? Lack of confidence in other aspects of the film? Eagerness to please a certain demographic? Bets are on the latter, since it happens twice more. There’s also enough puerile humour to make even a teenage lad cringe with embarrassment – a Viagra “incident”, a shellfish costume that looks a bit like a vulva, and oh look, there’s a tray of food in the shape of a cock and balls.
Worse, the comedy is countered with preachiness. There’s an overbearing conservation agenda here and arbitrary scenes are shoehorned in to fulfil it. To no meaningful narrative purpose, we get a tearful child bringing an injured otter for rescue. The plight of the osprey is used as a chat-up line so laughable, the film itself acknowledges it. Beth ceaselessly expounds on the value of Scottish nature with the demeanour of someone who would get nosebleeds if they were more than half a mile from a Waitrose.
Lines that might look clever on paper – ‘moolah for moules’ – sound unnatural on screen. And plotlines are lumpy. The boys (skint, remember?) flit from Govan to the Highlands as if it’s just round the corner. Generic gangsters are generically angry for no generic reason. And why does Ritchie go back to his old school to gen up on wildlife and not a regular Glasgow library? Surely not just to set up a pointless headmaster-teacher romantic side story? Surely so.
The whole film smacks of a romanticised Londoner’s eye view of “wild” Scotland. No doubt sincerely meant, it ends up patronising, and is insensitively put together. Why three cameos by English comedians (Harry Enfield, Rufus Hound and Russell Kane) and English English comedians at that? No Scottish comedians available? Kane makes a decent fist of it as pearl dealer St.Clair, and could usefully have been given more screen time. Hound is passable as a policeman. But Enfield, while visually funny, has such a stinker of a Scottish accent, it must be deliberate. In fact, ropey accents are all over the place. Genuine Scots Compston and Brannigan are the closest this film has to a saving grace, and even they will look back at this as a way to pay some bills, not a CV standout.
Leeway can be given for a directorial debut, of course, but this was the wrong project to begin with. Scottish Mussel should have been left in its shell.
Showing as part of Edinburgh International Film Festival 2015
You should do more homework before criticising Ms Riley. She is actually of Scottish descent. Her father is Scottish and her mother is half Scottish. She has spent years if her life in Scotland!
I am Scottish and I thought Mr Enfields accent was spot on for the area!
She IS genuinely interested in wildlife and I thought her Eco message went over very well – who knew mussels other than oysters produced pearls – and were endangered, which they are – not many people I spoke to!!
It was what it said on the box – an Eco – tick
Rom – tick Com – tick – film – what was not to like????
Scotland needs films like this. We need to promote Scotland not rubbish it like you have done with this fun film!!
I totally agree with you. We do need more films like this. For some reasons all the male critics have slagged off this film terribly when it Is a nice, fun, daft, family film.