Amidst her hectic Fringe schedule – hosting a regular club night, recording live podcast episodes – or ‘codpasts’ as she refers to them – and performing her hit show Modern Love – Diane Chorley made time to speak to The Wee Review about her experiences in Edinburgh and her thoughts on some fellow celebrities.
You’ve been to the Edinburgh Fringe so many times now. What keeps you coming back?
Desperation. This time someone’s gonna be there who’s gonna change your life. Has it happened? Has it bugger.
No, that’s the thing – you keep coming back because every night we fill this place and we have the most incredible atmosphere and it does take me back to the 80s, so it’s like introducing young kids to a bygone era and everything we talk about in the show is about expectance and a place where people go and talk. I remember we had a trans boy here at [my nightclub] The Flick and he said, ‘Diane, I’ve never been in a room with older gay people talking about the past.’ Everything they’ve seen about queer culture is online. They’ve never heard stories from someone’s actual mouth about growing up in a decade when it wasn’t acceptable to be gay, not like it is for them now. It’s just so interesting that it’s introducing groups of people. The Flick is good for that. It’s a place of entertainment. We’re not forcing an ideology. Everyone’s welcome. If you’ve got an opinion that doesn’t match then you come in and if you don’t have a good time I’d be totally surprised. And that’s why I keep coming back because we get to open The Flick and bring back the magic of the 80s.
And it’s not just The Flick – it’s the podcast and Modern Love. How are you doing all of it?
I’m not. I’m gonna die. We’ll get to the last day and I’ll die. And next year my ashes will be in a palm tree and a coconut. That’s the only way, and they’ll probably have some bugger in my place because they’ll think ‘let’s make money out of her now she’s gone.’ Will I survive? I don’t know.
How will you recover or celebrate when it’s done?
I’m going into a cryogenic chamber. There’s lots of gorgeous things happening, but we’ll probably have a bit of time out. It’s hard to make any bleeding money. I’m working part-time in the Co-op. It’s a bloody struggle.
Who is your dream podcast guest?
Well I’ve had Russell T. Davies and he is one of my faves. Do you know what? It would be good to get Pauline Quirke back on and to have a good old talk about the old days. I’d love to have Pauline Quirke, but is she answering my calls? No. I’ll tell you who I did want – Hilary Devey. I’m not joking, I wanted her. I called her every week and her agent was like, ‘No.’ She’s an icon. But she’s dead now. It’s sad. She was my dream guest and that opportunity’s out the window. They’re all going, my icons. They’re all fading away.
On the other hand, do you have bad blood with anyone from back in the day who wouldn’t be invited?
If Cilla was still around… the sad thing is we never made it up. But she did try and steal my look and that was a big lawsuit. People question – did Cilla have something to do with [me being in prison]. She was very underhand Cilla, and I will say that on record. And you can ask Dale Winton – those two were thick as thieves.
We can’t ask Dale Winton.
Is Dale Winton dead? See, karma.
Moving onto your music. Are you going to release any new work?
If you come down The Flick you’ll hear all our new music. Diana Vickers [today’s podcast guest] can’t stop bleeding singing it, she said to me just now. She should have said it on the codpast – that would have got me a few listeners, but you do what you can. [The music] will all come out, once we’ve had a bit of a rest.
A final few pop culture questions, somewhat connected to what came up in today’s podcast. Firstly, how do you feel about Neighbours ending?
Well, I had Kylie and Jason crying on my shoulder for a long time when that show started so I have mixed feelings about that because they got blood out of their celebrities, I’ll tell you that for nothing. And the shenanigans going on backstage there – you don’t even want to know about. I could tell you a story about a chocolate éclair that would put you to death. They’d come after us. They’re not to be messed with those Neighbours people, do you hear me? You don’t even wanna know why it’s ending. Off the record.
You touched a little bit on politics. You might have seen a recent viral picture of Geri Horner with Nadine Dorries hugging. A lot of Spice Girls fans aren’t happy.
If you want to trash a legacy, that’s how you do it. You couldn’t really push a worse scenario, but weirdly it makes sense. Did you see the Spice Girls documentary on Channel 4? She was quite clever with money, Geri. She was a bit of a Tory all the way back then, so it doesn’t surprise me. It’s just a bit… choose your time. How could she do that now? She’s got a destructive personality, Geri. Who’s she gonna be seen with next? Jacob Rees-Mogg? Pogo-sticking down the bleeding Thames with him and his kids?
Finally, Diana Vickers was your podcast guest today and you asked her a little about her time on The X-Factor. How do you feel about it coming back? Would you like to be a judge?
To be honest, I was supposed to be a judge the first time round but that Sharon Osbourne bleeding took it. You wanna talk about bad blood? Me and her, we’ve got bad blood, OK. The truth is, if I went on The X-Factor, I’ve got an old-fashioned approach. Louis Walsh, let’s face it, he looks like a terrified frog that man, and the last thing he needs is me giving him grief, because I feel like he’s one comment away from a heart attack. Is Simon going to be on it? They could do with just starting afresh, couldn’t they? We need a reboot. What’s he gonna look like? Toad in the hole. His kid’ll be on it. He’s bringing him up to be a little overlord, you watch.