Well, it’s been quite the year and we’re only half way through January. Never one for the obligatory new year resolutions, I thought I’d early, and started mine in December. That would give me enough time to fail before everyone else and then start them all over again. Well, it was not so much new year’s resolutions as a social experiment. All was sparked off by a conversation which started “so how did you manage to meet people before they invented mobile phones”. Which got me thinking, firstly yikes I’m old and I remember when we used to keep our state of art positively futuristic mobile phone, which was the size of a small mobile home charged up to the generator in the garage. Those were the days. And really, how did we meet each other back in the day? How did we manage to sit in the pub, without our 875 virtual friends continually updating our facebook status about the snow? Never mind how did we actually manage to win a pub quiz without the use of Google in the toilets? Beats me.

How did you manage to meet people before they invented mobile phones?

So I thought I’d start a bit of a social experiment. Get rid of the phone, unplug the internet and throw the tv out of the window – okay so I kept the internet, but I did throw the tv out of the window, well I didn’t, I took it downstairs and left it on the pavement. Bring it on. Joined the gym and went once, gave up chips and of course stopped drinking. That’s right. Gave up drinking and found jesus, no wait a minute, that wasn’t me that was a movie I watched on channel five. Give up drinking you say, I know, quite the particularly stupid thing to do in December in Scotland, because as we all know the festive season is the perfect camouflage for the alcoholic never mind the casual binger. That’s binger not, ginger.

So while everyone was propping up the bar, working their way through a bucket of orange flavoured Bacardi Breezers, I was sat in the corner wearing an ill fitting cardigan, drinking coffee and making pithy comments – which was about as useful and as much fun as solar powered fairy lights in Scotland. I wouldn’t particularly recommended it. But it did have novelty value, and strangely super human powers. Usually at some point during an evening of high jinks and revelling, everybody else forgets that you’re not drinking and you become invisible. It’s just like that JK Rowling book, Harry Potter And The Crock of Shit, one swish of the invisibility cape and you’re gone. So did I use my powers for good or evil you ask.? That would be telling. But I did spend most of my time cruising police cars and willing them to breathalyse me. The one time I don’t drink and drive, the one time I’m not climbing into a skip thinking it’s the car and trying to start the engine – and where are they? In the pub. High points? Swapping your vices around, upping the cigarette count and taking a healthy interest in casinos. Also surprisingly, saving money. It’s the perfect get-rich-quick plan, stop drinking and save a fortune, it shits all over scratchcards.

But my personal favourite, drunk people dancing. It’s always amusing to watch drunk people dance, it’s up there in the top ten of “things that are always funny” along with fake sick, and people hurting themselves. And just for the record, I know I’m a particularly good dancer after 16 pints of lager. Fun times, precious memories. Okay so the social experiment is now over, it’s no longer the 1980s, I’m no longer in official mourning for technology dressed in a Tim Burton black chandelier corseted ball gown, I’ve found my mobile phone, bought a giant plasma screen and am drinking my own height in cheap lager daily. How long did I last? About the same time as normal January resolutions…about 15 minutes. So you can all relax, normal service is resumed…oh although I’ve officially now moved Christmas to Easter, it’s much cheaper. Fax me….