While it’s not unusual for a modern film to advertise it’s unique selling point upfront, Netflix’s new and currently #1 most-watched film (at time of writing) takes that to a whole new level. Damsel tells the story of Elodie Bayford (Millie Bobby Brown), eldest daughter of a feudal medieval lord in a fantasy kingdom, who is married off to a handsome prince, but finds herself captive and at the mercy of a murderous dragon. So far, so fairy-tale, but as her opening narration bluntly states, ‘This is not one of those tales’.

While a subversive and contrary take on a well known story is often a novel and enjoyable experience, in the case of Damsel, it’s clear within the first ten minutes that Dan Mazeau‘s script isn’t going to do anything smart that hasn’t been telegraphed a mile away. All the facets are there, the ageing remarried father (Ray Winstone), the scolding and difficult step-mother (Angela Bassett), a handsome prince (Nick Robinson), and an evil dragon (Shohreh Aghdashloo). But when events and unscrupulous characters conspire to have Elodie tossed into the dragon’s cave, the film eschews it’s rather flat fairy-tale aesthetic to turn into a low-dialogue, grimy game of cat and mouse between the newly wedded princess, and the gigantic fire-drake who seems to have more than just hunger behind her murderous designs.

With a premise that has some promise, it’s quite a pity then that the film is such a confused and ungainly beast that it’s unlikely to work for almost anyone. Had the film been based more clearly and fixedly at a young audience, it might have been a jolly girl-boss romp in a fantasy universe. But instead, this is a dark and occasionally gruesome film, with characters being burned alive, crushed, and maimed clearly shown onscreen. On top of that, at various times Elodie is graphically injured, with the film happy to show close-ups of burned skin, grazes, and deep wounds. It falls into a no-man’s land, where the tone and rating is far too adult, and the writing and story is far too young. Worse, there are whole scenes that are direct lifts from other films, including a glowing cave-worm scene taken straight from Pitch Black, and a finale that is more than a little similar to the far better girl vs. monster movie, Prey. More than that it’s a thin concept stretched into an abomination around the barebones of this script.

It would however be remiss to say that there hasn’t been hard work put into the film. Bobby Brown has pulled out all the stops, committing to a very physical performance; running, horse-riding, climbing, leaping and falling, and even swinging a sword a little. On top of that, Aghdashloo does solid work as the voice of the dragon, really selling the long nursed wrath of an age-old monster. The dragon itself is genuinely well designed, and rendered in solid CGI, which unfortunately puts to shame some of the other effects in the movie, as the budget clearly was centred on making it look real, rather than on some of the more ropey CGI backgrounds and badly composited greenscreen shots.

And that’s the real pity of the piece. Every now and again, there’s a really nice shot, or moment that makes you realise what this film could have been. But instead, what we have is a sub-par fantasy romp that wants to feel unique, but just reminds one more and more of better films that it pilfered ideas from, and then threw together in a messy bundle. For every good moment of acting, there are scenes where a tired Ray Winstone and a frustrated Angela Bassett were clearly picking up a cheque. Robin Wright fares a little better, playing it up as the Queen that Princess Buttercup might one day have turned into if Wesley hadn’t rescued her, but the charm she showed in The Princess Bride just isn’t here.

It may be the most watched film on Netflix, but people crane their necks to look at car crashes as well. This forgettable nonsense isn’t going to appeal to anyone.

Available to stream on Netflix now